Ending Up Where I Intended to Be PW
by Pistolwink
Summary: Shepard starts to acknowledge his feelings for his Staff Lieutenant- and his buddy.  It's the first time he's felt like this about another man, and he struggles to wrap his head around the concept. A PWP romance, written in brief sections. M/M, Language.
1. Past

Story by Pistolwink. Obviously, Pistolwink neither owns these characters nor the world they interact with.

* * *

Kaidan's tearing me apart. I try and draw out the time I can spend talking with him as much as possible without shirking my duties. There is something about him that I can't explain- he's intriguing, makes me laugh, and he's got something almost gentle about him despite the fact that he's a Marine and a biotic who has seen a ton of shit most guys never do. He's a buddy but there's something else, something that makes me willing to talk about stuff that I never would with anyone else. It's messed up; guys aren't supposed to feel that way about their brothers. Being that way with a beautiful woman- that's one thing, like that time I spent with Sha'ira- but with another guy…It's just a boundary that isn't crossed.

But damn. Kaidan's definitely a man- as muscular as I am, a deep voice, broad jaw with a 5 o'clock shadow. Not effeminate in the slightest, though I wonder if it would reconcile this conflict in the slightest, if I could compare him to a woman. I find myself imagining his pecs underneath his armor, wondering if he's got chest hair, and if so, how much and where…Inevitably, my imagination moves downward and I wonder...Fuck.

"Knock it off, John. You're no faggot." I can hear it in my father's voice, gravelly and rough with a dangerous edge. Just like the time when I was 13 and found my friend Hassan and me in the men's showers checking out our changing bodies- the places new hair was growing in, whose muscles- and other parts of us, of course- were bigger. I had made fun of him for his hairy thighs and in retaliation, he had made some crack about the size of my junk, so we were goofing off shoving each other around in the water. There hadn't been anything more to it- hell, if anything, my adolescent hormones had me solely focused on one of the base's female medical officers. But my father's wrath made that memory stick like glue.

I met Hassan years later in some bar on the Citadel after he had joined up. He told me then that he had a partner, a man, also in the service. I had just kind of looked at him, waiting for him to follow up with some smartass comment about how gullible I was and how he'd nailed some hot asari tail, but he didn't. With a rakish grin on his face, he'd just told me not to worry, that I wasn't his type- he didn't go for "little guys." We'd laughed, I'd thrown a playful punch at him, but the rest of the evening was uncomfortably quiet and we hadn't kept in touch after that.

Now, here I am, thinking about Alenko in exactly the way that I shouldn't be. What the fuck.

He's looking at me with that smile of his. Just the way he looks- it's like he understands everything, like he knows exactly what's going on. It's not unsettling at all, not like your mind and your thoughts are being invaded. I'm tempted to ask him-

"I've already wasted enough of your time," he says as he turns and gets back to work. His tone implies that he wants to talk again, though, so I press the issue.

"Kaidan-" I manage to say. "Let's hit Chora's Den after you're off duty."

He looks up, a mild look of surprise on his face. "Uh…Yeah, sure, Commander."


	2. Chora's

I love the action of being a Spectre, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the lulls between firefights- as long as there's something to do. Luckily, being docked at the Citadel means shore leave with plenty of entertainment possibilities- clubs, titty bars, restaurants, casinos, and a million other things. Chora's is a seedy place in an even seedier part of the wards, but if it's sex and booze you want, it's a great place to go. Nothing better than some asari shaking her blue ass in your face if you want a distraction.

Kaidan's sitting next to me, a grin on his face as he leans forward and watches the dancer finish her dance, crawling toward him on all fours from across the small platform. When she's done, he tips her a few creds and then sits back. She's unsmiling and doesn't give much of a reaction as she leaves, moving on to her next customer. I guess it was the fact that she didn't look that into it as she was doing her thing, but I found myself disinterested in her, and more intrigued by Kaidan. He's dressed in civvies; his tee shirt is form-fitting, bordering on tight, and I can see the firm outlines of his muscles on his back and shoulders. Hell, if he isn't beautiful when he smiles- his whole face lights up. It's not some snipped little fake grin like the dancers and the waitresses wear. The dude's happy. He's enjoying himself.

This is just great. I brought him here as a social thing, as well as to distract myself from what I've been thinking about him recently, but all my grand plan can do is fucking backfire on me. Maybe it's the liquor coursing through my veins, but I want him rubbing up next to me, wanting me, and not some paid dancer who's only touching me because she wants some extra creds. I scowl and excuse myself, not looking back as I head for the bathroom. Perhaps some cold water on my face and a little silent lecture to myself will cool my jets and then I'll be able to sit back and enjoy the evening.

I'm staring at myself in the mirror, my blue eyes completely cold and features fixed in a grim expression as I chew myself out for being such a pussy. "'Shit or get off the pot,' the saying goes. Either say something to Kaidan or stop mooning over him like some little girl would over a crush. Are you a man or not?" I close my eyes, regaining my composure. Fine. I'll talk to him.

I jump as a hand lands on my shoulder. A soft voice; it belongs to Kaidan. "Shepard?"

I shake my head, laughing a little in my embarrassment. "We're not on duty, Kaidan- it's just John."

"Well, alright, John." There's a playful- maybe it's the alcohol but I could almost call it flirtatious- edge to his voice. "Listen," he adds, dropping whatever tone it was he had before. "I'm having a great time, but I wouldn't mind going somewhere a bit quieter." He taps the back of his neck, up near the base of his skull. The music's throbbing bass is probably giving him one of those bad headaches he gets from his L2.

I nod- maybe we'll go back to my cabin, kick back, catch up some, if he's feeling up to it. It's been busy lately, between Saren, his geth, and the other errands we've been sent on. Somehow, it'd be easier to talk to him here, in this bar, where I've got the excuse of the women and the music and the liquor. I have a couple of bottles saved up back on board, but there won't be anywhere to hide or anything to pretend to be distracted by there. I have no idea what he'll think. Maybe this is all a mistake, something that could ruin the unity of the team when we can't afford it.

I guess it's better to just let him know what's on my mind, though. So far we've been straight-up with each other and hiding something like this, just to have it come to light at a really bad time, seems like the worst of the two ways I can see handling this.

At least, that's what I tell myself as I finish drying my face and head back to the Normandy.


	3. Tripped

He'd looked away when I finally managed to spit it out. I guess I didn't say it in a way that could ever be perceived as eloquent. Just a simple, short, stupid admission.

"Look, the way I see you…Uh…Let's just say…Look, man, you're more than a friend to me. You-" I'd cut myself off, flustered, my face and ears hotter than hell. Saying this sort of shit to women had never bothered me like this. What was even more humiliating was the fact that I'd felt like some kind of bumbling, idiotic kid. He'd looked away as soon as I'd started stumbling over my words.

"You're just drunk…" he'd whispered. Still wouldn't look at me. That killed me.

"No!" I eventually manage to choke out before my voice regains its normal strength. "No, that's not it at all." What a clusterfuck this was turning out to be.

It must be minutes that pass by, but it feels much longer. He stands up, and turns to go.

"Kaidan."

He turns his head slightly, so I can just see that he's looking back at me, out of the corner of his eye. "I'll see you around, Commander."

I don't say anything. I watch him go, and a minute later I catch myself still staring at the door after he's gone. Being rejected was never fun, but somehow this stung more than usual. I just shut everything down and turned in, not even bothering to change.

Two days went by before we talked again.

We're shipping out for Noveria tonight, and I'd spent the previous couple of days after my blunder in my cabin, nursing my way through the alcohol reserves I had stored up. Alenko had finally contacted me over the comm about a half-hour earlier, asking to drop by.

I hadn't shaved since before Chora's and hadn't showered in a day. Figured there wasn't any point in obsessing over grooming if I wasn't going anywhere. I may as well spend my time off doing whatever the hell I wanted to rather than worry about being pretty. However, if Lieuten- no, Kaidan- wanted to see me, well, that'd be a different story. He didn't say if it was a personal visit or official business, but I figure I'd better look the business part if that's whatever this is about.

I'd just finished shaving and was silently thanking myself for wearing my hair in the standard-issue high and tight when Kaidan's voice crackled over the comm again.

Hmh. Earlier than expected, but whatever. Glancing over to the security monitor, I see he's standing there, waiting, fidgeting a little, but dressed in civvies. Just as well; he'll have to deal with me as-is, then, I figure as I slap a bit of aftershave on, towel still around my neck as I head to the door and beep him in.

We just kind of…Stand there. I'm leaning on the doorframe and he's there, just kind of standing and looking maybe a little lost. Maybe it looks intimidating; I don't know, and right now, I don't really care. He'd made it clear he wanted to be just business so I'll just treat him like he's anyone else knocking on the door of my cabin, interrupting my time.

"What's up?" My tone's businesslike.

"You gonna invite me in, or what?" A smile flashes across his face.

Shit, I can't deny him. He's incredibly convincing, and I move aside. "Come on in."


	4. Talk

We'd sat there for probably two hours. It had been quiet in the beginning, some softly spoken words with awkward stretches of silence between. I'd claimed my desk and he had sat on the bed, facing me.

"I…I'm sorry, Commander," he'd said, looking at the floor. "I…"

I'd felt a twinge of guilt at his words…He hadn't needed to apologize for anything. "Kaidan…It's still John," I'd offered. "You don't need to be sorry for anything. I crossed the line. It was my fault."

He'd flashed a brief smile. "No. It wasn't that at all. You didn't do anything wrong, it's just that…Well, you forced me to acknowledge something."

What the hell was he talking about? I hadn't said anything, wondering if he was going to continue. When it'd been clear he wasn't, I'd spoken up. "What do you mean?" Man, I felt dense, like I should've known what he'd been alluding to.

"John." He'd laughed a little then, nervously, quietly. "Don't you get it? I walked out because when you said that, I realized that I couldn't get away from the feelings I have for you by just pretending that they don't exist. Before, you were my commander, and you became someone I'd be honored to call 'friend.' But the light I've seen you in recently, the way I feel about you…It's been more…" He coughed. "More than 'friendly.' You just don't get like that for your commanding officers. Especially if they're men, too."

I'd been unable to do anything but stare at the floor. Must've looked like a total dumbass, but he'd just coldcocked me with that- what else could I do?

"John. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just walked out on you like that. I should've been honest with you. You've always been on the level with me, and I…I should've shown you the same respect."

I'd done the only thing I could've done- shake my head and laugh a little. "Kaidan, I…Kaidan."

"If you can forgive me, then maybe we can try this again."

Hell if he hadn't been so much better at this than me. Commander John Shepard, first human Spectre, galactic badass, reduced to nothing more than a flustered schoolgirl by this cool, calm biotic Marine. My father must've been rolling over in his grave. His son, the soldier, acting like this, over another man no less. Ah, fuck it.

"Yeah, I'd like that." I'd finally managed to find my voice again, before adding with a stupid grin a mile wide. "I'd like that a lot."

I'd gone over to the bed and sat next to him, kicking off my boots and pulling my legs up. We'd hung out, discussed our pasts and where we hoped our futures would take us, and just took the time to be in the company of friends until it was time to go back on duty.

This time, when he'd left for his bunk, the feeling wasn't one of emptiness and failure, but of contentment.


	5. Warmth

Noveria'd been hell. I'm happy to be off that icy rock, out of the cold. Lots of politics and still no Saren, but at least that slimy, corrupted bastard Anoleis was going to be put away and our team had worked smoother than ever. I figure it's due in no small part to Kaidan's and my previously unspoken issues having been resolved.

First thing I want to do when I have the chance is take a hot shower, drink some hot tea, and do whatever else seems "warm." Even in the heated buildings where we were completely protected from the weather, Noveria had made me feel cold. Maybe it was the colors, the curious lifelessness of a place so full of businessmen and workers of many different species, the architecture…Who knows. Everything about it screamed at you that you were going to freeze to death if you stayed too long. Screw that- give me beaches, sun, coves of clear blue water and the thick green leaves of tropical plants. Hell, even a desert would feel nice right about now.

Finally, I've got a chance to take a couple of hours off during the return trip to the Citadel. I want to check the markets for gear and give the crew a day of shore leave before heading back out- we've been so busy running from one place to another that they deserve a break.

After I've informed the crew, my first stop is my quarters. Hot shower, here I come.

I'd just jumped in when my comm buzzed. I punch the button in the shower stall; it's Kaidan, asking if we want to go grab a hot meal down in the mess. "I'm kind of occupied at the moment," I tell him. He can hear the water going in the background, I'm sure of it. There's a brief pause.

"I'll see you in a minute."

A click, and the comm goes silent. Punching the button again, I yell after him. "Kaidan!...iKAIDAN/i! Dammit!" There's no response. He's being impish, the bastard- he probably knows exactly what I'm doing and he's going to be a pain about it. He does make me laugh, though.

I'm not leaving my shower, though. Five minutes go by and the comm buzzes again. I answer it; it's him. Cursing under my breath, I check the security monitor quickly before letting him in. The air is cool on my wet skin, and I just want to finish washing.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll be out in a few," I tell him, turning to return to the haven of hot water. I'll call his bluff- he wants to be up here while I'm showering, fine. I'll keep showering and he can be bored until I'm good and ready to emerge from the cloud of steam that's enveloped my entire bathroom.

However, not a minute goes by until his voice cuts through the white noise of the water. I jump; it's unexpectedly close.

"Want some company?"

I turn around- he's standing in the doorway, just wearing boxers and a crewneck undershirt. He's muscular, with broad shoulders and narrow hips. His legs are lean and yet they appear incredibly powerful, and the same goes for his arms. I can see the bulge in his shorts, although I try not to let my eyes linger there too long. Good God, he's so masculine and still "gorgeous" is the word that comes to mind when I try to describe him. I care a lot about him- he's everything to me- my mind is racing. Friend. Confidante. It screeches to a halt, feeling out the sense of the next word: lover?


	6. Friends

His underclothes are tossed carelessly on the floor next to the sink.

This is amazing…We're close to each other, not touching, but still close- the shower stall isn't large and right now I'm thankful it's on the small side. Neither of us speaks, but we don't need to- just being here like this with each other says more than enough.

I watch Kaidan, somewhat fascinated, somewhat hesitant- I don't really know what to do. Doesn't look like he does, either- the other day, before Noveria, he'd told me that he'd never been with a man, not out of any sort of distaste for the concept, but rather he just assumed that when he could allow himself to engage himself in a relationship, it'd be with a woman. Apparently, it hadn't taken him long to get used to the idea of being attracted to another guy; what _had_ was the fact that the guy in question was another biotic, another Marine, and was his commanding officer who apparently had feelings for him in return. It'd been a lot of information to process all at once.

I decide it's my turn to be reassuring. I touch his face, gently, feeling his skin. His eyes close as he rests his cheek in my hand. Tentatively, he places a palm on my chest, and leans forward, pressing his body to mine. It's almost too much- the heat of the shower, the heat of Kaidan; I'm dizzy and I don't know if it's the steam or the situation or both, but I can feel my face and ears flush as our lips meet. My stomach feels like it's up in my chest and my heart is pounding. It's like pulling negative Gs.

We pull away for a moment, each of us studying the other, watching for some sign either way. We must find it, even if neither of us realizes it, because in an instant we're all over each other again, lips parting, tongues exploring the other's mouth. This close, his scent is even more intoxicating- clean but very masculine.

I draw back once more, catching my breath and keenly aware of my own arousal as well as his- but neither of us says anything about it. I don't think either of us wants this to be over too quickly. This should last, because right now, this isn't just about the sex- it's about how much we mean to each other.

"Well, I haven't gotten my nightly shower yet." He's still smiling as he ducks under the showerhead, head thrown back, eyes closed, running his fingers through that lovely black hair and his hands over his toned body. Now, instead of the gentle splash of water simply leaving droplets on his skin, the spray hits him full force and runs down over him in rivulets. I can't deny that I'm enjoying watching this. Too much. I know he's inviting me to participate, and I give in.

He presses himself into me, wrapping those muscular arms of his around me and I return the embrace, leaning into him as well. There isn't any ignoring our bodies' reactions now- nagging hot flesh bumps against nagging hot flesh. My first reaction is to pull back in embarrassment, but I don't and a little grunting moan escapes my throat. Seemingly with a mind of their own, my hands wander down to his buttocks and squeeze them, pulling him in closer to me.

Kaidan's got a hand sliding down my chest, gently pinching the nipple in its path, down, around my navel and…Mmm.

He's got his hand around us both, stroking, thrusting himself against me and God, it feels so good. We're both breathing hard, legs and buttocks straining as we try to get ever closer to one another, continually rubbing up against each other.

He can see how much I'm needing this- he must- and he whispers to me, in between the huffs of hot breaths, that he wants me to let go, wants me to allow myself release. I nod in acknowledgment, working myself faster until it is over. He watches me as the pleasure washes over me in waves, and I spill over into his hand, covering his hardness. His pace increases and soon he follows, and we collapse onto each other. Our breathing slows as do our pounding hearts. A look of absolute satisfaction crosses his face and I grin, leaning back against the cool tiles of the shower.

I grab a handful of shower gel from the dispenser set into the wall and lather myself up, grabbing another and smoothing the soap over him as well. We finish our shower, the urgency of our lust no longer dogging us, like two men with the luxury of never having anywhere to be.


End file.
